Can't do it, clock speed Can't do it, solar flares Can't do it, electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris Can't do it, static from nylon underwear Can't do it, static from plastic slide rules Can't do it, global warming Can't do it, poor power conditioning Can't do it, static buildup Can't do it, doppler effect Can't do it, hardware stress fractures Can't do it, magnetic interference from money/credit cards Can't do it, dry joints on cable plug Can't do it, we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line Can't do it, sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support Can't do it, temporary routing anomaly Can't do it, somebody was calculating pi on the server Can't do it, fat electrons in the lines Can't do it, excess surge protection Can't do it, floating point processor overflow Can't do it, divide-by-zero error Can't do it, POSIX compliance problem Can't do it, monitor resolution too high Can't do it, improperly oriented keyboard Can't do it, network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon) Can't do it, Decreasing electron flux Can't do it, first Saturday after first full moon in Winter Can't do it, radiosity depletion Can't do it, CPU radiator broken Can't do it, It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem Can't do it, positron router malfunction Can't do it, cellular telephone interference Can't do it, techtonic stress Can't do it, piezo-electric interference Can't do it, (l)user error Can't do it, working as designed Can't do it, dynamic software linking table corrupted Can't do it, heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly Can't do it, secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS Can't do it, terrorist activities Can't do it, not enough memory, go get system upgrade Can't do it, interrupt configuration error Can't do it, spaghetti cable cause packet failure Can't do it, boss forgot system password Can't do it, bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged Can't do it, virus attack, luser responsible Can't do it, waste water tank overflowed onto computer Can't do it, Complete Transient Lockout Can't do it, bad ether in the cables Can't do it, Bogon emissions Can't do it, Change in Earth's rotational speed Can't do it, Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter Can't do it, Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads Can't do it, Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming Can't do it, Evil dogs hypnotised the night shift Can't do it, Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture Can't do it, Electricians made popcorn in the power supply Can't do it, Groundskeepers stole the root password Can't do it, high pressure system failure Can't do it, failed trials, system needs redesigned Can't do it, system has been recalled Can't do it, not approved by the FCC Can't do it, need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem Can't do it, not properly grounded, please bury computer Can't do it, CPU needs recalibration Can't do it, system needs to be rebooted Can't do it, bit bucket overflow Can't do it, descramble code needed from software company Can't do it, only available on a need to know basis Can't do it, knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked Can't do it, nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable Can't do it, The file system is full of it Can't do it, Satan did it Can't do it, Daemons did it Can't do it, You're out of memory Can't do it, There isn't any problem Can't do it, Unoptimized hard drive Can't do it, Typo in the code Can't do it, Yes, yes, its called a design limitation Can't do it, Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault. Can't do it, That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine? Can't do it, Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working. Can't do it, Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files. Can't do it, Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER. Can't do it, Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cable Can't do it, Windows 95 undocumented "feature" Can't do it, Runt packets Can't do it, Password is too complex to decrypt Can't do it, Boss' kid fucked up the machine Can't do it, Electromagnetic energy loss Can't do it, Budget cuts Can't do it, Mouse chewed through power cable Can't do it, Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!) Can't do it, Feature not yet implemented Can't do it, Internet outage Can't do it, Pentium FDIV bug Can't do it, Vendor no longer supports the product Can't do it, Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies Can't do it, The vendor put the bug there. Can't do it, SIMM crosstalk. Can't do it, IRQ dropout Can't do it, Collapsed Backbone Can't do it, Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment Can't do it, operators on strike due to broken coffee machine Can't do it, backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD Can't do it, UPS interrupted the server's power Can't do it, The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out. Can't do it, The keyboard isn't plugged in Can't do it, The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room Can't do it, The electricity substation in the car park blew up. Can't do it, The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out Can't do it, The salesman drove over the CPU board. Can't do it, The monitor is plugged into the serial port Can't do it, Root nameservers are out of sync Can't do it, electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing. Can't do it, your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes. Can't do it, the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa. Can't do it, the printer thinks its a router. Can't do it, the router thinks its a printer. Can't do it, evil hackers from Serbia. Can't do it, we just switched to FDDI. Can't do it, halon system went off and killed the operators. Can't do it, because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day. Can't do it, user to computer ratio too high. Can't do it, user to computer ration too low. Can't do it, we just switched to Sprint. Can't do it, it has Intel Inside Can't do it, Sticky bits on disk. Can't do it, Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor Can't do it, The ring needs another token Can't do it, new management Can't do it, telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused Can't do it, SCSI Chain overterminated Can't do it, It's not plugged in. Can't do it, because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch Can't do it, You put the disk in upside down. Can't do it, Daemons loose in system. Can't do it, User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI. Can't do it, BNC (brain not connected) Can't do it, UBNC (user brain not connected) Can't do it, LBNC (luser brain not connected) Can't do it, disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper. Can't do it, new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus. Can't do it, had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads. Can't do it, Too few computrons available. Can't do it, Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes Can't do it, hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tannenbaum) Can't do it, Communications satellite used by the military for star wars. Can't do it, Party-bug in the Aloha protocol. Can't do it, Insert coin for new game Can't do it, Dew on the telephone lines. Can't do it, Arcserve crashed the server again. Can't do it, Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug. Can't do it, My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip. Can't do it, Big to little endian conversion error Can't do it, You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages) Can't do it, Dumb terminal Can't do it, Zombie processes haunting the computer Can't do it, Incorrect time synchronization Can't do it, Defunct processes Can't do it, Stubborn processes Can't do it, non-redundant fan failure Can't do it, monitor VLF leakage Can't do it, bugs in the RAID Can't do it, no "any" key on keyboard Can't do it, root rot Can't do it, Backbone Scoliosis Can't do it, /pub/lunch Can't do it, excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances Can't do it, le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem? Can't do it, broadcast packets on wrong frequency Can't do it, popper unable to process jumbo kernel Can't do it, NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full Can't do it, pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal Can't do it, Recursive traversal of loopback mount points Can't do it, Backbone adjustment Can't do it, OS swapped to disk Can't do it, vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives Can't do it, sticktion Can't do it, short leg on process table Can't do it, multicasts on broken packets Can't do it, ether leak Can't do it, Atilla the Hub Can't do it, endothermal recalibration Can't do it, filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch Can't do it, loop found in loop in redundant loopback Can't do it, system consumed all the paper for paging Can't do it, permission denied Can't do it, Reformatting Page. Wait... Can't do it, ..disk or the processor is on fire. Can't do it, SCSI's too wide. Can't do it, Proprietary Information. Can't do it, Just type 'mv * /dev/null'. Can't do it, runaway cat on system. Can't do it, Did you pay the new Support Fee? Can't do it, We only support a 1200 bps connection. Can't do it, We only support a 28000 bps connection. Can't do it, Can't do it, Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors. Can't do it, I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us. Can't do it, Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor. Can't do it, the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity. Can't do it, The monitor needs another box of pixels. Can't do it, RPC_PMAP_FAILURE Can't do it, kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded. Can't do it, Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer. Can't do it, Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines." Can't do it, Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors Can't do it, Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker Can't do it, We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please Can't do it, bear with us. Can't do it, Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us. Can't do it, Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft) Can't do it, We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off. Can't do it, Lightning strikes. Can't do it, Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade. Can't do it, Change your language to Finnish. Can't do it, Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends. Can't do it, High nuclear activity in your area. Can't do it, What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, Can't do it, aren't you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried! Can't do it, The MGs ran out of gas. Can't do it, The UPS doesn't have a battery backup. Can't do it, Recursivity. Call back if it happens again. Can't do it, Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch. Can't do it, The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know. Can't do it, I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book. Can't do it, The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?). Can't do it, Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1 Can't do it, It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up. Can't do it, A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN. Can't do it, Fatal error right in front of screen Can't do it, That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade. Can't do it, wrong polarity of neutron flow Can't do it, Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal Can't do it, We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill. Can't do it, Ionization from the air-conditioning Can't do it, TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low. Can't do it, Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn't know how to deal with them. Can't do it, The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet. Can't do it, Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces Can't do it, Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube Can't do it, You did wha... oh _dear_.... Can't do it, CPU needs bearings repacked Can't do it, Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible! Can't do it, _Rosin_ core solder? But... Can't do it, Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric... Can't do it, The computer fleetly, mouse and all. Can't do it, Your cat tried to eat the mouse. Can't do it, The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile. Can't do it, It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month) Can't do it, Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none Can't do it, allowed....) Can't do it, Too much radiation coming from the soil. Can't do it, Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week. Can't do it, Program load too heavy for processor to lift. Can't do it, Processes running slowly due to weak power supply Can't do it, Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems Can't do it, We've run out of licenses Can't do it, Interference from lunar radiation Can't do it, Standing room only on the bus. Can't do it, You need to install an RTFM interface. Can't do it, That would be because the software doesn't work. Can't do it, That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered. Can't do it, Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too. Can't do it, We're upgrading /dev/null Can't do it, The Usenet news is out of date Can't do it, Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel. Can't do it, It's stuck in the Web. Can't do it, Your modem doesn't speak English. Can't do it, The mouse escaped. Can't do it, All of the packets are empty. Can't do it, The UPS is on strike. Can't do it, Neutrino overload on the nameserver Can't do it, Melting hard drives Can't do it, Someone has messed up the kernel pointers Can't do it, The kernel license has expired Can't do it, Netscape has crashed Can't do it, The cord jumped over and hit the power switch. Can't do it, It was OK before you touched it. Can't do it, Bit rot Can't do it, U.S. Postal Service Can't do it, Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad. Can't do it, The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated. Can't do it, The static electricity routing is acting up... Can't do it, Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem. Can't do it, The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server. Can't do it, High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid Can't do it, damaging it. Can't do it, Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening Can't do it, Electrons on a bender Can't do it, Telecommunications is upgrading. Can't do it, Telecommunications is downgrading. Can't do it, Telecommunications is downshifting. Can't do it, Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own... Can't do it, Interference between the keyboard and the chair. Can't do it, The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized. Can't do it, Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account. Can't do it, vWe ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle. Can't do it, You must've hit the wrong any key. Can't do it, PCMCIA slave driver Can't do it, The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it. Can't do it, The hardware bus needs a new token. Can't do it, Too many interrupts Can't do it, Not enough interrupts Can't do it, The data on your hard drive is out of balance. Can't do it, Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters Can't do it, appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem Can't do it, microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file systemvfractal radiation jamming the backbone Can't do it, routing problems on the neural net Can't do it, IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply Can't do it, CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road Can't do it, emissions from GSM-phones Can't do it, CD-ROM server needs recalibration Can't do it, firewall needs cooling Can't do it, asynchronous inode failure Can't do it, transient bus protocol violation Can't do it, incompatible bit-registration operators Can't do it, your process is not ISO 9000 compliant Can't do it, You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus. Can't do it, The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing Can't do it, Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic) Can't do it, Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on. Can't do it, Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS. Can't do it, Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet. Can't do it, You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus. Can't do it, Scheduled global CPU outage Can't do it, Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn off your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Can't do it, Chip while he isn't working, do you?) Can't do it, Your processor has processed too many instructions. Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!! Can't do it, Your packets were eaten by the terminator Can't do it, Your processor does not develop enough heat. Can't do it, We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room. Can't do it, The POP server is out of Coke Can't do it, Fiber optics caused gas main leak Can't do it, Server depressed, needs Prozac Can't do it, quantum decoherence Can't do it, those damn raccoons! Can't do it, suboptimal routing experience Can't do it, A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged Can't do it, 50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files Can't do it, the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference Can't do it, the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice Can't do it, the butane lighter causes the pincushioning Can't do it, old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes Can't do it, manager in the cable duct Can't do it, We'll fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack). Can't do it, HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here Can't do it, HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power Can't do it, The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ? Can't do it, Network failure - call NBC Can't do it, Having to manually track the satellite. Can't do it, Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up. Can't do it, The rubber band broke Can't do it, We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose. Can't do it, Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server. Can't do it, paradigm shift...without a clutch Can't do it, PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) Can't do it, The cables are not the same length. Can't do it, Second-system effect. Can't do it, Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c Can't do it, Boredom in the Kernel. Can't do it, the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons! Can't do it, I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer. Can't do it, struck by the Good Times virus Can't do it, YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error Can't do it, Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache. Can't do it, Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided Can't do it, fools. Can't do it, Plasma conduit breach Can't do it, Out of cards on drive D: Can't do it, Sand fleas eating the Internet cables Can't do it, parallel processors running perpendicular today Can't do it, ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect Can't do it, Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult. Can't do it, Failure to adjust for daylight savings time. Can't do it, Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins. Can't do it, Virus due to computers having unsafe sex. Can't do it, Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters. Can't do it, Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit. Can't do it, Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine Can't do it, It's the InterNIC's fault. Can't do it, Root name servers corrupted. Can't do it, Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers. Can't do it, Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine. Can't do it, Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite. Can't do it, We've picked COBOL as the language of choice. Can't do it, Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over. Can't do it, Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape. Can't do it, Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems. Can't do it, Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet. Can't do it, it's an ID-10-T error Can't do it, Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers Can't do it, The Internet is being scanned for viruses. Can't do it, Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight. Can't do it, Bad user karma. Can't do it, /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null Can't do it, Increased sunspot activity. Can't do it, We already sent around a notice about that. Can't do it, It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry. Can't do it, Interference from the Van Allen Belt. Can't do it, Jupiter is aligned with Mars. Can't do it, Redundant ACLs. Can't do it, Mail server hit by UniSpammer. Can't do it, T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server. Can't do it, Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet. Can't do it, We are a 100% Microsoft Shop. Can't do it, We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature. Can't do it, Sales staff sold a product we don't offer. Can't do it, Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees. Can't do it, Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers. Can't do it, Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer. Can't do it, Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much. Can't do it, Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital. Can't do it, Route flapping at the NAP. Can't do it, Computers under water due to SYN flooding. Can't do it, The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied. Can't do it, Electrical conduits in machine room are melting. Can't do it, Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway. Can't do it, Radial Telemetry Infiltration Can't do it, Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server. Can't do it, tachyon emissions overloading the system Can't do it, Maintenance window broken Can't do it, We're out of slots on the server Can't do it, Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend. Can't do it, Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM. Can't do it, Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem Can't do it, Feature was not beta tested Can't do it, Domain controller not responding Can't do it, Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives! Can't do it, It's not RFC-822 compliant. Can't do it, operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014) Can't do it, stop bit received Can't do it, internet is needed to catch the etherbunny Can't do it, network down, IP packets delivered via UPS Can't do it, Firmware update in the coffee machine Can't do it, Temporal anomaly Can't do it, Mouse has out-of-cheese-error Can't do it, Borg implants are failing Can't do it, Borg nanites have infested the server Can't do it, error: one bad user found in front of screen Can't do it, Please state the nature of the technical emergency Can't do it, Internet shut down due to maintenance Can't do it, Daemon escaped from pentagram Can't do it, crop circles in the corn shell Can't do it, sticky bit has come loose Can't do it, Hot Java has gone cold Can't do it, Cache miss - please take better aim next time Can't do it, Hash table has woodworm Can't do it, Trojan horse ran out of hay Can't do it, Zombie processes detected, machine is haunted. Can't do it, overflow error in /dev/null Can't do it, Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it. Can't do it, Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell. Can't do it, According to Microsoft, it's by design Can't do it, vi needs to be upgraded to vii Can't do it, greenpeace free'd the mallocs Can't do it, Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden) Can't do it, astropneumatic oscillations in the water-cooling Can't do it, Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker. Can't do it, Rhythmic variations in the voltage reaching the power supply. Can't do it, Keyboard Actuator Failure. Order and Replace. Can't do it, Packet held up at customs. Can't do it, Propagation delay. Can't do it, High line impedance. Can't do it, Someone set us up the bomb. Can't do it, Power surges on the Underground. Can't do it, I'm saying stuff based upon the The Bastard Operator From Hell Stories written by Simon Paul Travaglia. Datamation magazine owns the Electronic Can't do it, Rights to the orgional works of the BOFH.